Ed note: What follows is barely English. I’m pretty sure it’s essentially a series of very long, run-on sentences (with a few fragments thrown in for fun). There’s also a whole lot of random punctuation – a comma here, a hyphen or two there. If I had the time, I’d edit it. But I don’t. Which is kind of the point. Good luck, my friends.
I have so much to tell you. If only I had the time.
If I had the time, I would tell you about Brooke’s latest breakthrough – about how she was crying at CVS the other night because I told her that we couldn’t buy a bag of goldfish (because we had JUST come from dinner and we were on our way home for dessert, if you must know) and how she said – or kinda screamed, but whatever – through her tears, “I feel mad about it!”
And I’d tell you about how weird it feels to be happy that your kid – who is in tears – just told you she feels mad. Well, maybe not happy as much as proud, but either way, it’s still weird.
If I had the time, I would tell you about the awards ceremony that I’m running, co-hosting, emceeing and otherwise losing my stuffing over this Thursday night to honor seventy-five teachers, administrators and staff members in our school district who have gone above and beyond the call of duty this year to impact the lives of special needs kids.
And about how you can’t give me a hard time for doing it because I committed to it last year, so despite my best efforts to PULL BACK, this one was non-negotiable.
If I had time, I would tell you about how it’s been a nightmare of logistical headaches and misunderstandings and hurt feelings and blatantly disregarded instructions and hundreds upon hundreds of e-mails back and forth and back and forth and Good Lord, how many times is the phrase, ‘No good deed goes unpunished’ going to go through my head before this is done?
And about how I know it’s going to be wonderful because last year was wonderful and because these teachers really, really deserve the recognition but how I really, really just can’t do this anymore and how I’m kinda wishing the time away so that I can be past this and how that feels awful because, well – please see the first part of this run-on sentence about how the nominees really, really deserve to be recognized.
If I had the time, I would tell you about how Brooke has started using, “Sort of” and “If you don’t mind” ALL THE TIME and how dang cute it is when she says either of them.
If I had the time, I would tell you how we went to see my Grandma this weekend, and how blessed I feel that the girls have their great-grandmother in their lives. Someday I’ll tell you how I didn’t meet her until I was older than both of my girls are now, and how much I therefore cherish seeing her with them at this age – and how much they each adore her in their own way.
If I had the time, I’d tell you about how my aunt – a long since retired kindergarten teacher – goes out of her way to not just indulge, but to include my girl. How she doesn’t get remotely ruffled when she uses her pretty, decorative hand towels for things pretty, decorative hand towels should never be used for, or how, when she smushes her palms flat into the just-served cheeseburgers she says, still smiling, ‘You know, I thought that looked pretty irresistible too.” Or how her son – my cousin – doesn’t tell anyone when he sees Brooke eating the fruit out of the serving dish (off of the serving spoon.)
If I had time, I’d tell you how Katie pointed out a man to me at the pool the other day and said, “That guy’s not very nice,” and went on to tell me that he had been “swinging his kid around in the pool even though it was too crowded and then the kid kicked Daddy in the head and me in the neck which wasn’t exactly a surprise cause there was like no room,” and how when “I said, “OW!” the guy didn’t say anything” and how when “we moved away from him Daddy muttered ‘jackass’ but don’t tell him I heard cause he thought he was being really quiet.”
If I had the time, I’d tell you about another moment at the pool, when a woman I barely know cornered me in conversation and wanted to chat about how she has the summer off and how she’s staying home with her kids for the summer and how she’s ‘really just not sure that it’s her thing’ and how she ‘might just go crazy hanging out by the pool all day’ and how I came THIS CLOSE to pointing out to her just what a God-awful problem that must be and holy hell, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY talking to me about this? (But I didn’t cause I knew it would sound judgmental and really, it wasn’t her fault that I was seethingly jealous; but I was.)
If I had the time, I’d tell you about the meal we had on Saturday night. About how we went to a NEW place and how Brooke sat CALMLY and ATE HER FOOD – like ALMOST ALL OF HER FOOD – and how she TRIED SOMETHING NEW and ATE THAT TOO and how Katie and Brooke were SHARING food back and forth and how Luau looked at me halfway through dinner and said, “Who IS this family?” and how we laughed when I shushed him so as not to break the spell.
If I had the time, I would tell you about how I’m really not worried about the results of the EEG, but how not being worried worries me, because when I say, “I just don’t think it’s seizure activity because she really appears to remain lucid” it just sounds so damn hauntingly similar to, “I just know she’s not autistic because she talks, for heaven’s sake” and how I know that I know just slightly more about epilepsy now than I did about autism then, and how that all stays somewhere in the back of my mind and in the depths of my gut and how while I keep saying I’m not worried, I know that you know that I’m lying to both of us.
And above all, if I had the time, I’d tell you again how grateful I am for you. For all of you. For your prayers for my girl and your notes and your comments and your constant, unwavering love and support of my family.
For getting why it was such a big deal the other day when Brooke said that she only “sort of” had fun at the pool because “well, it was a little crowded” and for understanding just how much that one interaction represents.
Yeah, that’s what I’d tell you.
If I had the time.