excuse me – the heathen version

Ed Note ~ If you’re easily offended, this may not be the post for you. If you think it best, I promise not to hold it against you if you simply click somewhere else and come on back tomorrow. But if you decide to keep reading, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.


And the Lord said unto Adam,

Adam, quick, pull my finger!


On Friday night I had come straight from work to meet Luau and the girls at our usual Friday evening haunt. Since we had both of our cars, we had to drive home separately after dinner. Luau took my car and I took his so that I could stay with the girls. Once I see them on Friday after work, I’m rarely willing to relinquish them again.

And so it was that Katie, Brooke and I were making our way to Luau’s car to head home. We held hands and the girls chattered as we walked down the sidewalk. Two completely different conversations overlapped in the somewhat maddening stereo effect that is the hallmark of life with our family.

I’ve color coded the speakers in an attempt to allow you to follow who is speaking at any given time. Not that I can always follow who is speaking at any given time and I’m there, but hey, good luck.


The players ..

Katie- talking about her upcoming field trip

Brooke – running through her script of Godspell inspired questions

Mama – whose sense of humor hits a new low


So, Mama, guess where our field trip is going to be? C’mon guess! It’s the best place EVER!

Oh, I um .. hmm, Katie, I’m not sure, honey.

What did Jesus say BEFORE He bumped His head?

Huh, What’s that Brooke? Oh, um .. he said ‘STROKE!’

OK, So it starts with ‘A’ but that’s ALL I’m telling you, Mama. Can you guess?

Oh, I, er, um .. hmm, Katie, let me think.

What did Jesus say AFTER He bumped His head?

What, Brooke? Oh, he said, “Ow!”

C’mon, Mama! Guess!

OK, Katie .. the Aquarium!

What did Jesus have on His head?

A heart, honey. Jesus had a heart on his head.

Nope, try again, Mama. Good guess though.

Damn, thought I had it. Ummmmm .. the Apple store?

Shuddup. You try and come up with a field trip place starting with ‘A’ that’s not aquarium. Yeah, not so easy now is it, tough guy?

What rhymes with Jesus?

I opened the car door and the girls climbed in. Brooke went in first and settled in, still running through her prescribed litany of Godspell questions.

What rhymes with Jesus?

Katie followed her.

So, Mama, it’s a place you know. And you love it there. Starts with ‘A’.

Yeah, Katie, so you mentioned.

What rhymes with Jesus?

Brooke, we need to take a break for just a sec, OK? I have to close the door, honey.

I checked for fingers and toes and then closed the rear door and stepped to the front. As I got into the car I .. hmm, how shall I put this? I – oh gosh, this is terribly embarrassing. Mom, I’m sorry, but if I leave this part out there’s really not much to the story. OK, fine .. I passed gas, OK? It happens, people. Don’t judge. I’ve been eating a lot of vegetables. Anyway, it was kinda well, loud and really, really, really embarrassing. But being the mature and graceful role model that I am, I handled it in exemplary fashion. Or not.

I erupted into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Brooke was unfazed. What rhymes with Jesus?

Cheezus, Brooke. Cheezus rhymes with Jesus.

Katie looked at her sister and then at me, trying to determine the source of the um, interruption.

Mama, who did that?

What did Jesus bump when He fell down?

I tried to bite my tongue, I swear I did, but it just came out. I was laughing hysterically. Jeneil, I’m so, so sorry for what follows. Brandon, please forgive me. Pastor Karla, I do hope you’ll still come over for dinner after this …

Jesus, honey. I think it was Jesus.

I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe.

Um, Mama? Jesus isn’t here.

What did Jesus bump when He fell down?

I giggled uncontrollably. Oh, honey, Jesus is ALWAYS with us. You know that.

And then I snorted.

What did Jesus bump when He fell down?

Jesus bumped His HEAD, Brooke. Fine, Mama. Yeah, I get that, but He’s not HERE as in HERE in the car FARTING. Nice try. So, um, what do you say?

What did Jesus say AFTER He bumped His head?

At the EXACT same time, Katie and I answered Brooke.

Excusme!’ Jesus said, Excusme!

And then we rode the waves of laughter all the way home.

21 thoughts on “excuse me – the heathen version

  1. Okay, no fair making me snort coffee out of my nose this early in the morning. That’s one of the pleasures of being the only “girl” in the house. I can fart to my heart’s content and easily just blame it on one of the boys.

  2. A great thing about having a boy who loves body humor: it liberated me from embarrassment about tooting. Come on, everyone does it … and it really is funny! And, sorry, but I am laughing too hard over here to say excuse me.

  3. Hysterical!

    When the daughter was little I had one of my favorite prints framed to hang over her bed. It was a print of Jesus laughing…not smiling…laughing.

    Now I’ve got a pic in my head of Jesus sitting at his computer in Heaven(you know it’s a Mac)reading Diary of a Mom…and snorting coffee all over his computer screen!

  4. Hi Jess,

    I’m laughing hysterically over here. Thanks for that. I have a favor to ask of you and your other moms. I am looking for some social stories to use at school. Is there somewhere I can look for examples of how to write them, or are there premade ones for “generic” situations?

    Thank you all in advance for coming to my aid again!


  5. That’s pretty funny, but I’m still trying to figure out where Katie is going on her field trip that starts with A. 🙂

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