all i have


More than anything, I want to find out how the sleep thief does it. How does he steal the anxiety that the daylight so jealously guards?

~ From The Thief in the Night, Diary, June, 2008



Even sleep is not enough to ward off the demons tonight

She tosses and turns



Swipes at the air

At what?

Her face – always so peaceful in sleep, is contorted

A mask of frustration



I can’t chase away autism’s demons tonight

I’d take them on with my bare hands if I could

If they had the courage to show themselves

To stand up and fight

Instead they hide

Cowards that they are

And prey on a child


She doesn’t deserve this

No one does

She has a right to peace

At the very least in her sleep

Please, God, just give her some peace

I lie down next to her

I’m here, baby

If nothing else, I’m here

Mama loves you

I’m here

She shoves me away

Then frantically pulls me in

She wraps herself around me

Then pushes off against my arms, my legs

And round and round we go


I cup her face in my hand

The tears stream down my cheeks

Cold and wet


Mama’s here

Tonight, it’s all I have

14 thoughts on “all i have

  1. Sending love,,,vibing to you peace. You’re not alone in your pain. I know that probably doesn’t help much….Jess, I wish I could take it away too. From her, from you, from Cymbie, from myself…. I’d pick up my sword (or maybe a 12 gauge shot gun) and fight with you side by side, if only they would show themselves. xoxoxo

  2. Sometimes there is no rest for the weary. I only hope in her dreams she is successful in her battle. Blessings to you both.

  3. I listened to my son grind his teeth all night from the meds he needs by day to make him functional by day. I made out two checks today, one for speech, one for the summer tutor. Our money bleeds in raising our beloved son. And we look so normal….Joani

  4. HOPE. I know it hardly has a chance to break through that kind of darkness – but as the morning light shines today please remember the HOPE, Mama. It is REAL.

    Love you. Love your beautiful babies.


  5. sorry to hear about the turbulent night. hope that sweet mind of hers has found a little more peace today, a little calm. and i hope your heart is okay, i know nights like this take a toll on it.

  6. You will find that, “Mama’s here baby, and Mama loves you”, does and will resonate with her and it will help her to fight off the demons, it just will………..
    Love you,

  7. We’ve been going through a really rough patch lately over in my world. I wouldn’t wish it on you or anyone else. Even though the war will rage on, hopefully we both get a break from the current battle soon. Peace and blessings to you all! P.S. I read about Katie’s day with Hope. I’m so glad she was able to get that time.

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