The emotional effects of anxiety may include “feelings of apprehension or dread, trouble concentrating, feeling tense or jumpy, anticipating the worst, irritability, restlessness, watching (and waiting) for signs (and occurrences) of danger, and, feeling like your mind’s gone blank” as well as “nightmares/bad dreams, obsessions about sensations, deja vu, a trapped in your mind feeling, and feeling like everything is scary. ~ Wikipedia
It’s nearly midnight. I really shouldn’t be on the computer.
But hell, I shouldn’t be up sobbing and gasping for air either.
But you see, Doc, that’s what happens when my girl hurts – I hurt.
It’s a fundamental law of parenting, isn’t it?
And that one I can live with.
But isn’t there an even more fundamental law, Doc? The one that says that children shouldn’t hurt?
Not like this.
No one should have to live like this. Especially not a beautiful little girl who didn’t do a blessed thing to deserve it.
What we’re doing isn’t working, Doc.
We weaned her off the one, the first – the one that you said had ‘lost its efficacy’ – official sounding words for ‘It’s not working anymore’.
And we agreed. She seemed so much more anxious – so much more uncomfortable than she’d been in years.
But guess what, Doc. Looking back now, I think it was working.
But we did what we all thought we needed to do. We weaned her off the old one. Ever – so – slowly. And we ramped her up onto the other one, the new one, the Great White Hope in a bottle – the one that would make it all OK. And yes, we did it ever – so – slowly.
We followed the plans – the ones we designed together with the intricacy of a majestic ballet – slowly, ever so slowly rising while falling, determined to walk the knife’s edge of chemical balance.
But it’s not working, Doc.
It’s not %@#$ing working.
Because here we are – living in a place where my girl hides in the bathroom and curls up on the tile floor because her father is sauteing some God-damned mushrooms.
In no universe is it OK for a child to live in fear of a %$#@ing saute pan.
Doesn’t that sound absurd?
That’s because it is.
It’s NOT OK.
So fix it, Doc.
Just FIX it.
I never wanted meds to be the answer.
But we’re out of tricks.
This is all we’ve got left.
And my baby deserves better.