fix it

The emotional effects of anxiety may include “feelings of apprehension or dread, trouble concentrating, feeling tense or jumpy, anticipating the worst, irritability, restlessness, watching (and waiting) for signs (and occurrences) of danger, and, feeling like your mind’s gone blank” as well as “nightmares/bad dreams, obsessions about sensations, deja vu, a trapped in your mind feeling, and feeling like everything is scary. ~ Wikipedia

Dear Doctor,

It’s nearly midnight. I really shouldn’t be on the computer.

But hell, I shouldn’t be up sobbing and gasping for air either.

But you see, Doc, that’s what happens when my girl hurts – I hurt.

It’s a fundamental law of parenting, isn’t it?

And that one I can live with.

But isn’t there an even more fundamental law, Doc? The one that says that children shouldn’t hurt?

Not like this.

No one should have to live like this. Especially not a beautiful little girl who didn’t do a blessed thing to deserve it.

What we’re doing isn’t working, Doc.

We weaned her off the one, the first – the one that you said had ‘lost its efficacy’ – official sounding words for ‘It’s not working anymore’.

And we agreed. She seemed so much more anxious – so much more uncomfortable than she’d been in years.

But guess what, Doc. Looking back now, I think it was working.

Oops, huh?

But we did what we all thought we needed to do. We weaned her off the old one. Ever – so – slowly. And we ramped her up onto the other one, the new one, the Great White Hope in a bottle – the one that would make it all OK. And yes, we did it ever – so – slowly.

We followed the plans – the ones we designed together with the intricacy of a majestic ballet – slowly, ever so slowly rising while falling, determined to walk the knife’s edge of chemical balance.

But it’s not working, Doc.

It’s not %@#$ing working.

Because here we are – living in a place where my girl hides in the bathroom and curls up on the tile floor because her father is sauteing some God-damned mushrooms.

In no universe is it OK for a child to live in fear of a %$#@ing saute pan.

Doesn’t that sound absurd?

That’s because it is.

It’s NOT OK.

So fix it, Doc.

Just FIX it.

I never wanted meds to be the answer.

But we’re out of tricks.

This is all we’ve got left.

And my baby deserves better.



34 thoughts on “fix it

  1. awww, Jess. I understand the meds delima. You’re right, our children shouldn’t have to be so anxious and afraid. many hugs and prayers for you and your sweet girl…hugs

  2. Jess, I’d take away your pain and hers if I could. For what it’s worth, I’m still on top of my (our) rock(s), crying for help as loud as I can. Sometimes shouting, sometimes just crying. I’m with you in spirit. We all have fear. Please don’t let the fear have you.

  3. Jess, I’m so sorry for the pain–your pain, Brooke’s pain–everyone who is feeling it. It hasn’t been a full six weeks for the meds to kick in yet. Might it be worth waiting for?

    I love you,

  4. (((( hugs ))) Jess
    I have been crippled with my own anxiety of putting Cullen on meds because I fear the unknown. I ” know” I can handle him now but what if the meds make things worse? I also have another child that suffers from anxiety who is not on the spectrum and I am just know getting ready to ask the doctor to try something. Yet again,I am scared of making anything worse but at least she can verbalize what she is feeling once she is on them.
    I hope and pray they can find the right med to help your sweet girl. It’s not fair

  5. Oh and I realize I sound like I need my own meds to cope with my anxiety. I do need them and I am working up to making an appointment for me;)

  6. To me, there is nothing worse than my child’s anxiety. I can help her with her cognitive and spectrum issues. I can’t talk her out of anxiety. When she hit her teen years the anxiety took over. Unfortunately uping the zoloft only gave her ticks and she couldn’t stop picking. I have an amazing psychiatrist (in NYC) who spends hours making it right for her. He even calls me a couple of times a week to check on the progress. Transitioning from the old meds to the new was hell. First time I wanted to stay in the shower and sob all night. Now that we’ve figured out the meds (prozac and xanax) she is almost like a new person. The key is to find a doctor who is your partner in helping your child identify anxiety and working through it. Email me privately if anyone wants our doctor’s name.

  7. I’m sorry, love. Just so, so damn sorry. I want to fix it —for both of you. For all of you, because I know it has a tremendous spillover no matter how hard you try. Sending you love and praying for a better solution. xo

  8. I am so sorry. I know. We are now on our next round of meds/combo meds to see if this combination is “the one”. It is so frustrating and scary. All you do is watch and pray that this one doesn’t do something worse then the last.I hope things get better for Brooke.

  9. I seriously can’t imagine. We have plenty of issues, but we’re one of the lucky ones who don’t deal with too much anxiety. I hope you and your Doc can find something that works. You’re absolutely right that your girl and no one else should have to live that like. I’m sorry. I wish we (who follow your blog and love your family even though we don’t know you) could do more than offer an e-shoulder.

  10. I’m so sorry all of you are going through this, believe me, I know it affects the entire family. I have complete faith that you and her doctors will figure this out. In the interim, just know so many people are thinking of Brooke and sending good thoughts your way!

  11. Hugs for you both….anxiety plagues my son, too. The anxiety is his biggest nemesis. It hurts me, too, as I watch him struggle. I have said similar things…he just CANNOT keep going like this…there has to be something better…hope you find a better answer for Brooke.

  12. Sorry for all the pain but, the direction is correct and once the right combination and dose are achieved things will settle down. Vent all you need to but hold the course and eventually she will find much more joy in her world and then so will you….
    We all feel for all of you…love you,

  13. I’m so sorry for Brooke. 😦 I hate the helplessness of this. Ours is the washer and the dishwasher. Ryan cannot stand to have them running, so we have to run them when he’s not home… unhandy, but nothing like not being able to cook without frightening him. My heart breaks with you.

  14. So sorry you are all going through this. My daughter has started to tell us that things are scary. We’re trying to figure out if it’s anxiety, resistance to trying new things or her growing awareness that she doesn’t pick things up as quickly as the other kids in her class. We’re stuck in the loop of “Why is it scary?, Because it’s scary”

  15. I understand this perfectly. I have been in that exact mindset, more than once, even. We are just on the other side of a three year struggle like that. My son is 13. We now know that is was the beginning of puberty that set everything off. It has taken the last three years and 4 doctors to finally find the right doctor that actually listened and shared our concerns for the long term effects of using certain medications. It almost seemed as if some of the doctors were willing to throw everything at our son including the kitchen sink when it came to medications. I wish our son did not need medication, but he does. Not to make our lives easier, but to help him feel and do better, to make HIS struggles less and his life easier for him. There are few things worse than to watch your child suffer and struggle and be unable to help them. I hope you are able to find what she needs quickly. Thoughts and prayers are with you!

  16. Sounds like we are on the same roller coaster ride as your family, and our anxiety med (changes) sound identical. It’s an exhausting life for our kids and for us. I just pray for the patience with my son as you have with Brooke.

  17. Jess, I feel for you and Brooke and the rest of the family so much right now. We’re going through a med adj too in hope it will stop my son’s suicidual thoughts. I will keep all of you in my prayers. Take care!

  18. Does Brooke enjoy music? Our theme song is “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”. When my son’s anxiety starts to surface, he puts on the head phones and listens to the song, or we start to sing it together, or he will silently mouth the words.
    Although fire alarms make my son panic, it is more than just the ear piercing sound. It is his thoughts about what will happen if there is a fire. The thought of losing his belongings or toys being destroyed by fire is too much for him to handle. He is 8 but processes information at a 5 or 6 year old level. I am hoping as his processing level increases, his ability to turn irrational thoughts to rational ones will be possible.
    I feel your pain because I have seen it with my own eyes.
    I pray you find the answers you seek.

  19. 😦 Poor little Brooke. I know how she feels, and I’m so sorry that such a little girl would ever have to feel like that. I hope you find the magic dose that helps her. Praying for you both. ❤

  20. I am new to your page but so interested in your struggles. My daughter was diagnosed with Asperger’s when she was 6 (she is only 7 now). Is that what your daughter has? Mine seems to be much more social than others with the disorder, but her anxiety and mood swings are a force to be reckoned with. Would love to hear more of your story! Angie F.

    • Angie, Welcome! In answer to your question, my daughter was originally diagnosed with so-called classic autism. Three or so years ago, the diagnosis was changed to PDD-NOS. Anxiety rides shotgun an awful lot around here. I welcome you to Diary and hope you’ll find yourself at home here 🙂

  21. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) And prayers. That’s all I got. Here’s hoping (and praying) it gets fixed soon. God bless.

  22. Pingback: Take Two of These and … Stay Up All Night « Pucks and Puzzle Pieces

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