too much

DSC_0401 - Version 2

a gratuitous shot of my girl making a wish over her birthday cake this weekend 

and within it, a photo of the same, taken from a different perspective

I have too much to say this morning.

There’s too much input. Too much to process. Too much out there that cries out for examination, analysis and discussion. Too much to try – to really, really try – to make better.

It must be April.

The month when bloggers like me, in a valiant attempt to reach out to the outside world, wind up largely regurgitating on ourselves. The month when we talk even more than usual, and mostly to each other, about what needs to be done. The month when we rail, mostly to one other, on the way that it’s all being screwed up. The month when we tell each other how we’re (meaning the ‘them’ within the us, not the us – never the us) screwing it all up.

And at the end of the day, for all of our efforts, we have won not a whole lot more than the grand prize of utter fatigue.

I know that this isn’t what you come here for – fatalism really isn’t my bag. I’m much more the hopey changey gal who believes it’s possible – whatever it may be.

That’s still me.

But for today, I’m allowing myself a little room to say that it’s feeling kinda futile.

The fighting and the tearing down.

The destruction without construction.

The assumption of ill-will.

The choosing of sides.

It’s exhausting.

So for today, all of will just have to happen without me.

But while I’m gone, I have three requests as you make your way through the April jungle …

  • Make room for each other. 
  • Assume good intentions. 
  • And above all, remember that you can not compare a story that you are living from the inside to a story that you are viewing from the outside. 

Be careful, friends.

It’s a jungle out there.

20 thoughts on “too much

  1. Everyone is allowed to feel this way sometimes. Just wanted to let you know that despite the sea of crap surrounding this, your efforts ARE reaching others. I’m on my way to a doctorate in child psychology, and I read your blog faithfully. The kids and parents I work with don’t know it, but they owe you one. I owe you one. Understanding autism from the inside out helps me be a better clinician. I’m better able to talk to my families, better able to understand and support my kids. Not that I’m making an enormous impact anywhere, but I like to think that the small things still count for something.

    Hope tomorrow is better.
    -E

    • EB – you are exactly who I would hope would read Jess’s words. Well… And politicians, and people holding funding purse strings, and well… Everyone.

      So happy to know you’re out there. And you are making a huge difference – each little one you work with had huge ripple-effects on awareness and acceptance in their family, friends, classmates, community. You help make those ripples positive and meaningful.

  2. “The assumption of ill-will.”

    That’s the one that gets me. If we could all start these debates with the assumption of no ill will, the conversation would go a lot better.

  3. “And above all, remember that you can not compare a story you are living on the inside with a story you are viewing from the outside.” THIS. So very true.

  4. I too love the comment of comparing a “story you are living on the inside with a story you are viewing from the outside.” And, great advice to assume good-intentions. I need to do this in ALL things. Honestly, that is a hard one!

    THANK YOU! And Blessings this day!

  5. Oh thank you for this. This is precisely how I’ve been feeling, but didn’t know how to express it. It’s so good to know I’m not the only one. However – we will be part of the charge, part of the change. It’s already happening, I promise.

  6. Jess – I have to echo what EB said. From you, I have learned to look and listen in ways that hadn’t occurred to me previously. You’ve given me a better perspective on what my families deal with on a daily basis, and tools to be a more effective advocate.

    What you say here has a ripple effect. Keep throwing those stones in the water!

    • Oh wow – I just commented on “ripple effects” above… And then Jill did here too. Keep making those ripples – indeed.

  7. Thank you, for keeping it real. Our days are long and right now …our nights are longer. And every morning I take “the pledge” to get it right today. Thanks for sharing it all with us.

  8. Do what my girl does,get your fave music,then get in your safe comfy bed and let the music take you that place where it’s all good! Apparently, J Lo is the Guru to take you there! At least my daughter thinks she is! LOL. Maybe, I’ll meet you there and we can totally chill out! Jess, Thank you! For all you do for all of us,each and everyday!! : ) ❤

  9. I was trying to explain to a friend just yesterday why I didn’t feel “into” Autism awareness/acceptance/action month. I think because I’m advocating and building awareness and acceptance every single day, and April then feels like too much. We live an Autism Awareness Life of extreme parenthood. It’s hard to ramp that up for a month…

  10. Jess, in our house, when the outside world gets too much, the music that helps us is country, ( Keith Urban and Brad Paisley!! ) We put it on and we are dancing and smiling and you are welcome to come and hang with us anytime. We take it one day at a time around here. My daughter’s smile has reached so many people here in our community, and her inner joy is contagious, it will keep you going as well. You are reaching people, ( we live on the west coast ) so, hang in there.

  11. this picture just made my whole week. she is wishing for that wish so hard! knowing her and that super amazing heart of hers: i’d bet good money that wish is going to come true.

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