unusually not tall

photo 1

“I’m not short. I’m just unusually not tall.”
― Hyesungie

*

Okay people, I have something HUGE to share with you.

It goes like this.

I’m short.

No, that’s not the revelation. That’s the background. Stay with me, friends.

I’m really short.

Short enough that when I was little (okay, when I was younger), my dad would tell me that I was just fine because my feet touched the ground — when I was standing up.

Short enough that my mom told me not to worry because I was perfectly in proportion — to myself.

Short enough that in our wedding vows, Luau promised to “be there for me to reach for the things on the high shelves” and his mother, who is just a shade taller than I am, cried.

Short enough that if you need to trim your nose hairs, I will know.

And short enough that when I went to a new doctor many (many) moons ago and he hurriedly measured me and jotted 5’0″ on my chart, (a number I’d assumed that, while I had long been rounding to, I’d not actually reached) I never, ever let another doctor measure me again. And I may or may not have gone directly to the DMV to change the height on my license, because, well, it was now official. The doctor said so. And doctors know everything. Shuddup.

Last year, I had a comprehensive physical through work. They insisted on doing everything from scratch, including the basics, like height and weight. I didn’t look, deeming willful ignorance a perfectly acceptable strategy for keeping my license as is.

Yesterday, I went back for my annual physical. The medical assistant took out my chart and read it aloud.

“We have you at sixty and a half inches,” she said. “Is that correct?”

I laughed, making her mildly uncomfortable because, well, what’s funny about that? And then I said, “That must be a mistake. I’ve always fudged just to say I was five feet.”

She asked if I’d like her to check it. I balked for a moment, not wanting to burst my happy delusion bubble, but the curiosity was more than I could bear.

I stepped on the scale and she put the measuring doohickey on my head and reported what she saw. “Sixty and a half inches,” she said.

I may or may not have squealed. Just a little.

“Wait!” I said, far too loudly. “Don’t reset it! I need a picture of this.”

By now she was openly laughing with at me.

I snapped the photo and sent it immediately (yes, as in standing there in scrubs and asking her to hold on please before drawing my blood kind of immediately) to Luau.

And this is what happened.

photo 2

I know what you’re thinking.

Oh no he di-in’t!

Well, yes, yes he did.

Trust is the bedrock of a marriage, babe; without it, what do we have?

Clearly, I needed to recruit outside help. Thankfully, I’m not above making an ass of myself, so that wasn’t a problem.

And that is how this happened.

You hear that, world? I am 60 feet tall. That lady said so. Okay, that part might have been a bit exaggerated, but OH MY GOD I am not just five feet but five feet with a cushion!

On my chart it is written, so shall it be known.

I might have to change my license again.

Oh, and Luau? Don’t doubt your wife, tough guy. Turns out she’s tall enough to kick your ass.

19 thoughts on “unusually not tall

  1. And I was once 5′ and 3/4″ and I’m about down to just 5′. I know, in the past you sometimes borrowed things from me you didn’t choose to return, but my height, Jess? Honestly. Go to your room young lady.

    Love you,
    Mom

  2. You have always been the biggest person I have ever known. The size is never the measure of the person, it’s the quality that matters and there you are a mile high…
    dad

  3. I’m 5′ flat – the tallest out of my mom, my older sister, and myself….I share my life with a 6’5″ giant – yeah, how’s that for awkward. He tells me that he’ll reach the stuff on the high shelves and I’ll just pick up whatever he drops on the floor – you know, since I’m closer LOL…I’m jealous of your 1/2″ 😉

  4. I’m 5’1-1/4″ and I ALWAYS include the “and a quarter” when I tell my height.

    My 16-year-old daughter is 4’10-1/2″ poor thing. I was SURE she would end up taller than me, but no. One doctor claimed she was 4’11”, and she got VERY insulted when I was all, “No way.” But when we rechecked, I was right! ;-p

    My husband claims to be 5’4″ but that’s when he cheats. So my daughter (and my son, who is not quite 4.5′ at 12 years of age and still fits in size 8 boys’ clothes) come by their lack of stature quite honestly.

    A friend of ours once said that the way to cripple our family is to take away our kitchen step stool. So true. So very sadly true. 😉

  5. My husband was shocked to discover at the docs that he had grown 3/4″ sometime in his adulthood – and was pretty bewildered! I guess that “shrinking” part doesn’t start until much later…
    And Jess, having met you many times, I never noticed you were short. You are a giant in our community…maybe that makes you seen taller? Congrats on making your goal, especially as it was one over which we have no control.

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