the tooth fairy is an @sshole


I submitted the following to the Huffington Post, where it might be up as early as today. Then again it might not. And I’m not very good at waiting. Soooooo, I’ve decided to publish it here in the meantime, in part because I’m not about to write a second post this morning, but mostly because it amuses me and I think that, after the horrific events of the last few days, we all could use some funny.

I apologize in advance for my language. I hope you’ll understand why some foul words were truly unavoidable in this case.

Best, Jess 


Just look at her. So smug.

All right, listen up, people. We’ve all been quiet about this for long enough. It’s time we call a spade a spade — or a wand a wand as it were.

The Tooth Fairy is an asshole.

There, I said it, and ya know what? It felt damned good too.

Let’s start with the basics, shall we?

She creeps into our kids’ rooms in the middle of the night to steal their still-bloody teeth from under their pillows.

Can we talk about this? Cause seriously, WTF? How is this okay with us? Oh, sweetie, you’d better take that former piece of your BODY – ya know, the one that just came out of your GUM – and stick it under your pillow —  yup, right under your head where you sleep, so that some chick with a tooth fetish can come into your room while you’re sleeping and add it to her macabre collection, mmmkay? We can even decorate a cute little pillow or a box for the bloody tooth lady! Won’t that be fun?

And then, as if it weren’t bad enough that she’s stalking our kid in their sleep, she’s also BUYING THEIR AFFECTION. It’s okay that she’s creepy, honey, because she GIVES YOU MONEY. So it’s all good, right? Of course right. Money makes creepy stuff not creepy.

And the message she sends. What the hell are we telling our kids?

I know I tell you to brush your teeth and stay away from sugar, my love, but screw that, because the more teeth you can make FALL OUT, the richer you get! Isn’t that just AWESOME?

Not to mention the nights that she sleeps through the whole thing and just plain DOESN’T COME. Where the hell is she when I’ve got a crying kid in my room wondering why the Tooth Fairy FORGOT her last night? Let’s just add that to the future therapy bill, shall we?

And where is she when I’m running to Toys R Us the next day, stuffing a shopping cart full of overpriced crap and paying for it with the guilt of knowing that I’ve just consigned my kid to a life of despair because, ya know, the Tooth Fairy FORGOT to come?

Oh, but she’s there the NEXT morning, isn’t she? When I’ve spent the per capita income of a small nation on enough under-the-pillow treasure to mend fences with the delinquent little slacker who didn’t show the night before.

Oh yeah, she’s there then, isn’t she, taking all the credit for knowing exactly what my kid would love as she KISSES the Dora DVD she just found.

Seriously, I think I’ve made my case, people. No jury would convict me. Next time I see that bitch, I’m taking her down.

28 thoughts on “the tooth fairy is an @sshole

  1. Ha, ha! Tooth fairy pressure! I remember DC lost his first tooth in school and no one could find it! I didn’t know if he understood the whole tooth fairy thing but in case he did, I took a tiny piece of white soap, made a big deal about “finding” his tooth in his back pack! We put that under his pillow! Far too much pressure. This is the same reason I never bought one of those elf on the shelf things. What if I forgot to move it – even once:) Don’t need the added pressure!

    • Oh, dear God, the elf. At this point, my kids know that once in a while the elf finds a spot that he really likes. And stays there. For, ya know … three or four days at a time.

      • oh yeah, it’s all about the vatnatge point (he can see EVERYONE from here!) or the comfort level (this is such a cushiony spot!). there’s also the rare occasion where he has a little too much to drink and just blows it off, but we don’t talk about that.

  2. So I’m NOT the only one who sometimes forgot to swap out the tooth? PHEW. Plus, my youngest in all his ASD innocence, generally felt there was no reason to let me know he lost a tooth, since that was between him and the fairy…and then he wondered why she didn’t come. Good thing I can BS (English major, after all) and make up stories about it being a heavy tooth loss night, and sometimes she can’t finish her whole route…

    • oh, i love that. when katie was little she would whisper to the elf. i’d ask what she’d told him and she’d say, “it’s just between me and scouter.” oy.

  3. Oh, yeah…and let’s talk about how it’s HARD to FIND a tiny tooth under a pillow without waking a light sleeper…I convinced my kids sometimes to put it into a big ziplock and leave a corner sticking out from under the pillow so I could find it easier…

    • My dear cousin found a tooth pillow for my daughter. It’s a monster-ish (cute looking) thing and the size of a regular Ugly Doll. On the back of it is a little sewn pouch with a snap cover. You are supposed to put the tooth inside. Then when you go in the middle of the night, you can take it out of the “doll”. Only draw back is if the kiddo is clutching it so I convinced my girl to let it sleep next to her like a slumber party.

  4. Thanks for making my day 🙂 I love reading your posts! God blessed you with an amazing gift to be able to write, thank you for sharing it with all of us!

  5. Give her the evil eye for me too. I hate that she gets the credit and I get all the stress. Also, she is much prettier than I am in the middle of the night. I hate that too.

  6. no, you have it all wrong. The tooth fairy works for YOU. So you get to set the rules. I dont know what arrangement she has with everybody else but at our house this is what happens:
    #1 – she has to abide by the same rules as santa and the easter bunny. No favorites here so she leaves a small token or gift on the coffee table. Bc it would be rude to accidentally wake a sleeping child and she’s polite like that.
    #2 – The gift is usually related to tooth care… bc after all she is the TOOTH fairy.
    #3 – The tooth fairy only comes M-F, just like the UPS man. I mean, she probably has a family too. Or a union.
    All of this came to be when my daughter recently lost her first tooth on a Saturday night and I had no idea it was even loose. I might have sucked the fun right out of it for some, but if I’m setting the rules and darling daughter is a literal logical thinker anyway… why not make it fun (and logical) for her and easy for me???

    • Love these. Our tooth fairy required that the tooth be left in a small box on the dresser. The silver dollar renumeration was in turn left in the same box. Upon occasion, the tooth fairy was known to oversleep, or miss part of her route – we always gave her a second chance. 🙂

      Fortunately by the time the wisdom teeth had to come out at 15 (last year), we were done with the tooth fairy…. I did NOT want to deal with that….. The five baby teeth that had to be extracted at once at age 11 for orthodontia were bad enough….

  7. We kind of side-stepped this particular conundrum (of course substituting a new one). We do the stories, but kiddo (who is VERY literal/reality based) knows the true origins of TF, Santa, etc. We actually decided this BEFORE we knew about the autism diagnosis, and son’s mindset backed up the decision.

    He still digs the stories and the fun, cause we still DO the fun stuff. But we just decided early that we’d pretend to a certain extent but not to the point where we’d have to lie when it got to the “is this real?” stage.

    Makes things interesting at school, though we’ve taught him that everyone’s family enjoys the story and we only talk about “real/not real” with mommy/daddy and not the other kids.

    • That. Is. Brilliant. Sidesteps the whole “but why did you LIE to me?” issue that upset me hugely as a child. Being in on the joke and the pretending sounds awesome!

      I’m glad that in my country, it was only St. Nicholas and no easter bunnies or santas or tooth fairies. I don’t know if I could have handled the additional trauma. 😛

      • My husband ran across this with friends growing up. I wasn’t too emotionally tied to it because my parents didn’t go crazy with pretending – they stayed basic. Then I read a blog from a mom of an autistic tween who was absolutely crushed and SO angry about being lied to. It made me feel better. And still having the fun of the stories – that’s what it’s about for him. He LOVES Santa, and he thinks St. Nicholas is very nice. I’m glad your trauma was minimal 😉

      • No trauma, except for the silly comment my mum made about finishing my orange juice quickly, or the vitamins would fly away. I got disabused of the notion that vitamins had actual wings when I repeated that phrase to one of my friends and got laughed at. When I was 14.

        I was so furious with my mother. Still am. 😛

    • I was such a gullible child. (But really, my parents went shopping for the presents that Santa brought us with us there and just put a towel over them in the cart and we never noticed.) Believed in EVERYTHING. For a VERY LONG TIME. But it was quite fun. Because STORIES.
      And they just very slowly phased out the actual stories for reality in a way that somehow managed to work without being too upsetting (I think it helped that the way they told me when I was 14 that Santa didn’t exist was by having me pick out the PUPPY that “Santa” was going to bring for Christmas. Because then it was no Santa but I got a FLUFFY AWESOME ADORABLE PUPPY so it was ok.)
      (Also, about the vitamins, I had a friend who honestly believed until college that chocolate milk came from brown cows because her family always said that whenever they passed a field of brown cows and she had never thought about it all that much.)

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