I submitted the following to the Huffington Post, where it might be up as early as today. Then again it might not. And I’m not very good at waiting. Soooooo, I’ve decided to publish it here in the meantime, in part because I’m not about to write a second post this morning, but mostly because it amuses me and I think that, after the horrific events of the last few days, we all could use some funny.
I apologize in advance for my language. I hope you’ll understand why some foul words were truly unavoidable in this case.
Just look at her. So smug.
All right, listen up, people. We’ve all been quiet about this for long enough. It’s time we call a spade a spade — or a wand a wand as it were.
The Tooth Fairy is an asshole.
There, I said it, and ya know what? It felt damned good too.
Let’s start with the basics, shall we?
She creeps into our kids’ rooms in the middle of the night to steal their still-bloody teeth from under their pillows.
Can we talk about this? Cause seriously, WTF? How is this okay with us? Oh, sweetie, you’d better take that former piece of your BODY – ya know, the one that just came out of your GUM – and stick it under your pillow — yup, right under your head where you sleep, so that some chick with a tooth fetish can come into your room while you’re sleeping and add it to her macabre collection, mmmkay? We can even decorate a cute little pillow or a box for the bloody tooth lady! Won’t that be fun?
And then, as if it weren’t bad enough that she’s stalking our kid in their sleep, she’s also BUYING THEIR AFFECTION. It’s okay that she’s creepy, honey, because she GIVES YOU MONEY. So it’s all good, right? Of course right. Money makes creepy stuff not creepy.
And the message she sends. What the hell are we telling our kids?
I know I tell you to brush your teeth and stay away from sugar, my love, but screw that, because the more teeth you can make FALL OUT, the richer you get! Isn’t that just AWESOME?
Not to mention the nights that she sleeps through the whole thing and just plain DOESN’T COME. Where the hell is she when I’ve got a crying kid in my room wondering why the Tooth Fairy FORGOT her last night? Let’s just add that to the future therapy bill, shall we?
And where is she when I’m running to Toys R Us the next day, stuffing a shopping cart full of overpriced crap and paying for it with the guilt of knowing that I’ve just consigned my kid to a life of despair because, ya know, the Tooth Fairy FORGOT to come?
Oh, but she’s there the NEXT morning, isn’t she? When I’ve spent the per capita income of a small nation on enough under-the-pillow treasure to mend fences with the delinquent little slacker who didn’t show the night before.
Oh yeah, she’s there then, isn’t she, taking all the credit for knowing exactly what my kid would love as she KISSES the Dora DVD she just found.
Seriously, I think I’ve made my case, people. No jury would convict me. Next time I see that bitch, I’m taking her down.