This damned month gets me every time. It’s like a Dickens novel, A Tale of Two Months.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Preach it, Charles.

I’ve been struggling this September. Hard.

I’ve been fighting the world and fighting myself and winding up completely overwhelmed and wanting nothing more than to turn in my Adult badge and build a fort in the back yard where no one can find me.

When Katie was ten, she got really angry about growing up. Like really, really angry. One day, it all bubbled up and over and she came into my room yelling and crying and railing against the inhumanity of it all. This was what I wrote at the time …

“I see you,” she said accusingly. “your life is HARD – and you know it. I don’t want that. I don’t want to grow up. I just want to be five.”

My mouth was still trying to form words. I had none.

“Five is perfect. You get to go to kindergarten and you learn how to read and everyone thinks you’re adorable and your homework is to find the word THE in a magazine and you don’t have chores and responsibilities and stuff you have to do and no one expects anything of you and you can just play all the time and they give you a snack – A SNACK! – at school and yup, I want to be five.”

She punctuated the sentence with a sob.

And still, there was nothing I could say.

I pulled her into a hug, wrapping my arms around her. “I know, baby,” I said softly. “I know.”

I really, really know.


23 thoughts on “five

  1. As always this post is well written and thought provoking. However, it feels like you’re editing yourself. My hope is that it’s for the protection of your girls privacy. Saying a prayer this morning for you and yours.

      • I saw your comment on Facebook and has to come finish the conversation. I don’t expect, ask, nor want full disclosure from you. That wouldn’t be healthy for anyone involved. I was very unclear in my comment so I’m going to try again. My censorship comment was said because this post reminds me greatly of one a couple months ago maybe longer of a conversation you posted between you and your dad that you edited and then came back and posted the full thing because the first time around wasn’t truth. (And that’s what you are best at beautiful) If I remember correctly the conversation was about when parents make the comment I didn’t sign up for this. You censored it out of fear, not out of respect, and that’s not you. This post had that same type of feel when I read it. I could be way off base, but that what my original comment was about.

      • I hear you. And thanks for continuing the conversation. I simply can’t talk about a lot of the things going on in our lives right now for myriad reasons. Not because I’m afraid to share, but because it’s simply not the right thing to do. 😉

  2. i know it’s not really the point of the post, but maybe Katie will grow up to serve those kids for whom 5 is already very hard. made me grateful to be an adult so that I could harness the adult world a bit in their favor….

  3. I’m so sorry, Sweerheart! There’s nothing worse than seeing your child suffer and not being able to do anything for her. I wish there was something I could do for you More than life itself , I want to help you

    Love you,

  4. I´m sorry it´s hard. You so often make me smile and cry and realize how important every day is and I wish I could give you something in return to… help, I guess. But I can´t. So I just try to be a bit more understanding and patient for/with strangers that cross my path, because they might be you in disguise. That´s your light shining in the world.

  5. Pingback: » five

  6. September is my hardest month, also, and I’ve yet to figure out why. Maybe it’s because in Sept 2013 we came to the realization that our oldest would need open heart surgery in the coming months (little did we know it would be a month later). Maybe it’s because it’s the month I lost my Oma. Maybe maybe maybe. I don’t know but September is just hard. Hugs to you.

  7. I thought it was just me that struggled every September. I’m not sure why; All the worse moments in my life have happened in October, however October remains to be my favorite month of the year, possibly because it proves that no matter what I have gone through I ‘m still here? September on the other hand…. I struggle. I feel like I am suffocating and have no energy left to keep going. I feel myself crawling to the finish line… Some days are just too hard.

    Hugs and Prayers to the Wilson’s from Me! xoxo

  8. Yes. Here, too. Sending you hugs and prayers and virtual mud
    pies. (Isn’t that what we might’ve done at five? It feels so far away that I don’t remember anymore!)

  9. When my little sister turned 10 (she is now 13), i asked how excited she was to finally be double digits. She very stoically looked at me, sighed, and said “sissy, i would go back to being 8 if i could. I dont want to grow up, adults have to worry about stuff, i dont want stuff to worry about”. I was so shocked, that i a lesson i just learned a few years ago at 23 and had my own bills to pay. Sometimes these kids are wise beyond their years and learn things ages before their peers. I adore these kids with old souls, their wisdom always amazes me

  10. Jess, this makes my heart ache. Wish i could help, but like the others, all i can do is be kind to those who are near me and lift you in prayer. Wishing you kindness all around you.

  11. My hubby recently had a chat with our 8 year old about responsibilities – son has listen to mom/dad, homework, clean up after himself (LOL), Dad listed the grown-up responsibilities. Son’s response was a surprised “wow, you have 14 responsibilities!” (short list). Dad’s trying to gradually expose son to the “expanding responsibility” thing without freaking him out. So far, so good. (And the counting the responsibilities thing was adorable). 😉 I don’t remember 5 much, but college was a pretty cool time – balanced right in the middle of responsibility, safety and freedom.

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