Editor’s note: Please see the end of the post for image descriptions
On Monday night, I finally convinced Miss Brooke to write a Christmas list. Past experience has proven that she will eventually produce one and, given her track record of asking for things like, oh say, “Fire Chicken Boots” and a “Mary Magdalene from Godspell doll” and a “giant stuffed banana,” well, the closer we get to the big day the harder it gets for Santa to do his job.
The following is the typed list that I received last night.
- Hello Kitty Plush Doll
- Leo June Quincy and Rocket
- Kai Lan Figurenes
- Frozen Toyset
- Doll that can sleep
- Markers for coloring with
- Dora the Explorer coloring book
- Zebra Toy
- Barbie Doll
- Watermelon Slippers
At first glance, it looked pretty straight-forward. Numbers 2 and 3 may not have been manufactured in years, but this mama knows her way around eBay. But then I got to number 11.
Um. So. Uh. Okay.
I went to Etsy. Cause that’s what I do.
And I found these …
I may have squealed a little. I showed Brooke, thinking she’d find them funny. She said, “Those aren’t slippers,” and walked away. I couldn’t argue. They’re definitely not slippers.
So I went back to work. And I found these ..
But this time I decided to keep it to myself.
And then I saw THESE and Oh my God seriously just knowing these exist somewhere in the world makes me happy.
And then I found THESE …
.. and all I could think was that if Katie gets married someday, I could totally see these peeking out of the bottom of her dress. I mean, right? I know.
Clearly I was losing the thread. Focus, kid, focus. Watermelon slippers. We’re looking for watermelon slippers.
Annnnnd now I want a baby. I mean, not really, but ya know; I want someone I know to have a baby. But wait, why are there buttons on these? Isn’t that a choking hazard? I mean, babies totally put their feet in their mouths. That can’t be a good idea. Unless they’re not really meant to be worn. But then what’s the point? Crap. FOCUS, Jess. Watermelon slippers. Right.
Holy crap on toast, I found the mother lode. These have to be the coolest watermelon slippers in the history of the world. Maybe the coolest anything in the history of the world. Must. Buy. Now.
Yeah. The coolest watermelon slippers in the history of the world cost a cool $75. PLUS shipping. From RUSSIA. I have no doubt that they’re well made and will last forever, but sadly my twelve year-old daughter’s current shoe size won’t. Even Santa has his limits. Dabbing my tears and moving on.
Oh my God. This is it.
I will NOT get excited. I will NOT get excited. I will NOT get .. Oh, hell, I’m getting excited. Please tell me these aren’t $75. Pretty please?
$15! We have a WINNER!
But wait, they ship from Turkey?
Oh, Sirin, why ya gotta hurt me like that?
Oh, and yeah, I bought these for Katie.
Because dude .. they’re HEDGEHOGS.
AND, according to the well-known mathematical formula of shopping rationalization, the shipping is WAY cheaper that way. Oh, please, don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean.
And there you have it — the odyssey of the watermelon slippers. And hedgehogs. Cause yeah.
Merry Christmas, friends.
Sparkly platform spike-heeled, open-toe pumps made to look like very glittery watermelons.
Crocheted high-heeled booties made to look like watermelons.
Crocheted pumps made to look like bananas, peel and all.
Adorable vintage-looking round-toe pumps made with the Marauder’s Map from Harry Potter. Just to make them that much better, they are finished with black velvet piping and a bow punctuated with a Deadly Hallows symbol.
Teeny tiny watermelon baby booties with tiny black buttons for seeds.
Boiled wool slippers that seriously, literally look like real watermelons. They are green on the outside and pink with black seeds on the inside. They’re awesome.
The price for the above: $75, shipping from Russia.
Almost but not quite as awesome crocheted slippers made to look like, you guessed it, watermelons.
The price for the above: $15, shipping from Turkey.
A note from the seller telling me that it takes up to 14 business days to ship the slippers from Turkey and they might not make it by Christmas.
Our conversation in which he offers and option of a courier service for $20, which will arrive within 2-3 days.