They’ve been repeated a thousand times, in a thousand different ways. The nuance doesn’t matter in the end; which groups he may or may not have actually cited is immaterial, really. Martin Niemöller was a German pastor who was arrested for defying Hitler and his campaign of hate. To this day his words stand as a poignant reminder of the peril of political apathy. But today, to me, they are more:

“First they came for the communists,

and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a communist.

Then they came for the socialists,

and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,

and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a trade unionist.

Then they came for me,

and there was no one left to speak for me.”

I always thought those words meant that I had to speak out when I saw injustice. They do. I always thought they meant that I had an obligation, as part of the human family, to defend the dignity, rights and ultimately the humanity of others. They do. And I thought that that was where my responsibility ended. It wasn’t.

A few nights ago I had a conversation that changed everything. (Funny how one interaction can do that, how talking to one person can trip a switch, open a valve, make everything look different, isn’t it?)

The young man was not what people thought he was, he said. His sexuality was not what it appeared to be. It wasn’t simple. The girlfriends whom he had brought home had made assumptions easy, he said. To all the world he looked straight. Why would anyone think anything different?

I was glad that he was comfortable telling me. I’ve done everything I can to live my life in a way that advertises my friendship as a sanctuary, as a safe space. But his fear made me ache.

“I hope that you’re not giving enough credit to the people in your life,” I said. “They know you. They respect you. They love you. Hopefully their love would be bigger than their fear or even their deep-seated bigotry. Hopefully, if you talk to them about who you are, about how you feel, there will be an open door.”

We talked about how situational disclosure tends to be, how it doesn’t always feel necessary to lay it all out on the table until there’s a relationship involved, until, I suppose, there would otherwise be something to hide. But already this wasn’t sitting right with me. The waters were rushing the dam.

Nevertheless, I found my jaded, 42-year-old, formerly idealist self slowly shaking her head at the self-importance of youth. “Ah,” she said to herself with a smirk, “I remember the days when I thought that the world waited with bated breath for my every pronouncement.”

She wanted to tell him, “Wait! There’s no reason to make declarations from the mountaintops. You may well fall in love with a woman, marry her, have babies and then what? The angst would have been for no sake but its own.”

Thankfully, no one could hear her but me.

But it wouldn’t matter for long, because the valve opened, and everything changed. Suddenly it was all crap, all the “Wait” and “the angst for no sake but its own.” Utter crap.

I found myself wanting to shake him by the shoulders.

“Be yourself!” I wanted to shout at him. “Be who you are in all your wondrous, messy, glorious humanity! Love yourself first, and set the example for those around you. Use that love to change the hearts that live in the darkness of fear. Tell them! Tell them that sexuality isn’t always linear, that it isn’t always simple, that it isn’t always what it looks like, and that, for the love of God, it isn’t some abstract concept or merely a topic for political theater. Tell them that this is part of who you are, you, the person whom they love. Change the world, my young friend. You can. Only you. And lots of other yous. But one you, one heart, at a time.”

I married a wonderful man. I had babies. I love my husband dearly, and I adore my life. To all the world I am a straight woman. And why would they think anything different? And why would it matter either way? Until that moment, I didn’t know why it mattered so much.

I believe in equal rights for ALL human beings. I believe that gay rights (and disability rights; more on that to follow) are, in the simplest terms, civil rights. I believe that no one ever has the right to impose his or her belief system on another human being. I have talked about it; I’ve written about it; I’ve lived it. I have said, “This is what I believe,” but never have I said (publicly), “This is who I am.”

Well, this is who I am.

Just before I met the man who is now my husband, there was someone else in my life — someone wonderful, someone with whom I had a nearly electric connection, someone who was smart as a whip and funny as hell, someone who was talented and beautiful and who, in turn, made me feel talented and beautiful, too. Someone who challenged me and made me think and feel and try new things, someone who pushed me to be a better version of myself, someone whom I adored, and someone with whom my life would have been — from the outside, at least — very, very different had time written a different script for us.

Depending on where we chose to live, we might not have had the right to marry. And there might have been people in my life — in our lives — whose preconceived notions about love would have changed their opinion of me.

I never had to live that. I have no idea what that really feels like, but only because life went in a different direction and the person with whom I ultimately fell in love for keeps happened to be a man.

It doesn’t come up much, but there are moments. There are dropped pronouns in stories of my past. There are thoughts left without a voice. And then there are times when I am praised for being an ally to the LGBTQ community. It is in those moments that I feel the most like a fraud.

My daughter is autistic. Disclosure within the autism community is a big topic. I’ve written about it ad nauseam. In 2010, I wrote this:

“It’s almost inevitable. If enough of us are together in one room, someone will ask, “How did you decide to talk openly about Brooke’s autism?”

I will tell them that we believe that the only way to extract the stigma from the label is to demystify it. To make it real. To give it a face, a name, a fabulous, messy, three-dimensional being.

I will tell them that we believe that awareness leads to compassion and compassion to acceptance.

I will tell them that we believe that ignorance perpetuates discrimination and fear.

I will tell them that we feel that secrets imply either shame or fear. Or both. I will tell them that I want neither in my home.”

Later in that post I would ask a question of my own:

“What if we could bring these folks TOGETHER? What if we can give them a tool with which they can identify themselves and EACH OTHER?

What if the label is a gateway to the monumental understanding that our kids and their peers are NOT alone?

What if this group – this incredible group of people – this group that can so easily feel so desperately isolated from their peers – what if they found out that their differences, in and of themselves, are not so damn different after all?”

The other night, listening to this young man speak, I thought of the kids coming up behind him, the ones who feel different, who feel isolated, who are afraid of what they’re feeling, who still carry the weight of this ludicrous stigma.

I thought of the ones who would pass right by him without ever knowing that they weren’t alone.

I thought of the immense power that he had to help smooth the road for them, one heart at a time — the power that he wasn’t using, the power that he, for a million reasons, might not be in a position to use, because bigotry is real, and because coming out can be far riskier than losing friends. It can be dangerous. Hell, it can be lethal.

But it wasn’t about him anymore. His power, and how he chose to use it, was his choice, and it wasn’t the point.

The point was my power, and the fact that I was looking in the wrong direction for change. I was frustrated with myself, not with him.

I live with the privilege of others’ assumptions about me. And by allowing those assumptions to stand, I also allow ignorance to stand.

Not anymore.

To those of you who think differently of me after this revelation, I say the following:

You know me. You have read my words. You know my heart and my children and my failings and my pride. You know my fumbling, imperfect faith. And now you know that there is one more dimension to me that we’d yet to talk about, no more and no less, just one more piece of who I am — a bisexual woman who stands up for equal rights, not only because it is unequivocally the right thing to do but because it’s time that I say, “They came for people like me, and I spoke out for us.”

This post was originally published on 2012 on HuffPost. It has been edited slightly for republication.

20 thoughts on “untitled

  1. What if I were to say that, as much as I have admired you in the past, you have just gone UP one step in my pantheon. This post does not diminish you. One. Whit. Amor omnia vincit, et te amo.

  2. I’m commenting here rather than Facebook where I follow your family and your ups and downs because it is not my place to “out” my children to the world. I’m lucky that my children felt they could tell me, that I would not judge them and my love would not change. Those around us that seemed to be an ally have shown their true colors and it has made my children shut down on telling those they love.

    Thank you a million times for being you and standing up for everyone. I’m forwarding this to both of my children so they know that when they are ready there are so many people to help catch them when others try to push them down.

    • Oh, Shay, it breaks my heart to hear that the reaction was less than loving. Please hug them for me and let them know they will surely find their people. 💕

  3. amen sister, i am also a married woman with kids, who identifies as queer. i, like you, have mostly kept it under wraps so as not to “rock the boat.” i feel like i do my part as an ally, but now i am considering whether it is more important to come out as part of the group. thank you for sharing. i love that people are being more and more open about how their sexuality isn’t linear, for so long i have felt like a square peg in the world. now i feel like one day i will find my people and maybe get that sense of belonging that i crave.

  4. I have to say that I am even more in love with you as a person after reading this. I don’t have children of my own yet (we are struggling through that right now) but I follow you because you are an amazing STRONG WOMAN. I have sister who works in special ed and has worked with some of the most amazing children who have become family to her and in turn us. I hope that no one thinks less of you after this post. I think it takes courage to write and admit all that you have and I feel that my life has been more enriched just knowing you on social media. Thank you for putting all of the hard stuff out there and owning it, as everyone should.

  5. Jess, I’ve followed your journey for years. In the early years I laughed, cried spewed with anger over the Injustices that plagued our girl. During that time you mentioned your friend and your love for her. As far I’ve been aware, it’s not been a secret. God Bless.

  6. Good for you speaking your truth. I have followed you for awhile now, I am in awe of you and your wonderful family. Thank you for being you!! ❤

  7. Jess- I love every word you write and while what I am about to say does not relate directly to the main theme of this post (which is, of course, awesome) I’ve been wanting to ask you for awhile – is acceptance enough? You’ve written before that awareness is not enough – that we should be striving for acceptance. In this post you say “we believe that awareness leads to compassion and compassion to acceptance.” I believe acceptance is not enough. I think in only asking for acceptance we are setting the bar too low. I think all people, regardless of what ever division you want to draw between them in ability, gender, sex, nationality, ethnicity, religion (or lack there of), have equal rights to so much more than just acceptance. What about appreciation, encouragement, inclusion, opportunity, understanding? I want so much more for my son than just passive acceptance – oh that’s just who he is. I know you want more for Brook too.

  8. I’m so thankful that I live in a society who in general accept and respects the LGBT community. Not being straight is not a big deal. I’m thankful that I raised my daugther in a way that she knew how I would react when she told me she was not straight. She told me that she found it difficult to tell me because it’s awkward to admit to your mom that she was starting to have crushes in general (she was nearly 13 at the time). I asked her if it was ok to speak openly about this to our friends and family and she said “yeah it’s not a secret”. So most of all I am thankful that my daughter is free to be who she is without fear.

  9. Thank you. I needed this. Didn’t know I needed this. But I did. It’s scary…I’m not sure why it’s so scary. But I’m a bisexual woman, married to a man, and we have 3 kids. I’ve been to scared to say to the world that I am not straight, but I’ve also not HIDDEN it from people. There’s never been an official “coming out”, other than to my husband (and now, to you and whoever else is reading this). I think my biggest fear is to have people who have only known me while I have been married to my husband would hear it and be like…”oh so it was a phase that you went through” when it’s NOT at all like that.

    So maybe I should stand up. This half silence isn’t helping anyone. If I’m gonna stand up for these rights, I need to full on do it for me, for you, for everyone.

  10. Hello shining Jess. I included that powerful and timely poem in a presentation to Knox County School Board on 10-11-2017 (crediting you and Martin Niemöller of course). For a couple of months the school board has been trying to pass new legislation that would remove “actual or perceived gender” and “sexual orientation” from the school districts employee and student non-discrimination policy. Thankfully after 2 months of standing up in every way we could, that night the board finally agreed to leave the protective language in and take no action to harm LGBT students and employees this time. Democracy needs and educated and healthy populous and many of us like you are deeply concerned that our current divisive and deceitful administration is counterproductive to education and health especially with regards to vulnerable populations. Persistent, truthful, and peaceful backlash from people like you does help. Thank you!

  11. I really hope that you are able to see this message despite my delated post. I follow your blog because I teach special education, and really enjoy reading about other peoples’ experiences with autism, but this post really struck a cord with me. I identify as gay, and continually struggle with whether it is something I should share on social media or not. The moral argument here really got to me; I think it’s time.
    Thank you for your kind nature, and, as always, clear and heartfelt writing.

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